Many years ago I worked in the tourism industry, in a holiday cottage letting agency. One of the add-ons to the price the customers were asked to pay was cancellation insurance. Now, our CEO had worked in advertising and was very knowledgeable about the power of words – and so when it came to conveying to potential customers that the insurance was compulsory, (which was a very harsh word), he couched it in softer and more obscure terms – obligatory.
And he insisted that none of us would ever use ‘compulsory’ or indeed any other similar word.
It was amusing to listen to new sales office staff endeavouring to explain to punters what obligatory meant, because this is not a word in out-there everyday parlance. However, for our business it was everyday parlance – and everyone of us would habitually use it without thinking. It’s the same with all professional and industry specific words and phrases.
These fall into the category of the obvious – and just as it is with language it’s the same with various practices and methodologies. And the fact is - once something is committed to the obvious, then we say and do these things verbatim, parrot-fashion, to the script. Rather like the way I learnt multiplication – the ‘times tables’. Of course, all subsequent usage takes place without us really considering the impact or power that these things have on the uninitiated.
The Visualization Routine
I have a little routine which demonstrates the power of visualization, which is particularly useful for groups since the effect works almost 100%. It’s a great one for setting out the scene for “what I do” – and essentially it shows people the power of their own mind to change something in their physiology. The thing is. this routine has become SO familiar and routine for me, that now I totally underestimate the effect it can have on people.
One of the players I coach, who is now a university student, was talking to me at a function recently. “I always remember that first session you did with us,” he said. (Nearly 3 years ago). “That visualization thing you did just blew me away and started me thinking about so many other things to do with how I play, the body and the mind.” For him this was clearly a ground-breaking series of ‘light bulb moments’ – whereas for me it was just a routine demonstration of visualization and the mind-body link. For me it was a gloss-over and I totally missed the power of the obvious.
I have a couple of other ‘routines’ I use in group situations, and here too I’ve made them so familiar to me that I again underestimate the power that lies in the message.
‘The Mayonnaise Jar’
This routine is all about recognising what is REALLY important in our lives, and ordering what we do into a hierarchy of relevance. For many it’s their first practical encounter with the logical levels of NLP – without NLP ever being mentioned. By way of props there’s a big empty jar, some golf balls, some stones or pebbles that are slightly smaller, some gravel and some sand. The jar represents Life and the balls etc represent things we do and spend our time and energies on. Depending on how the jar is filled up, it is possible to get very much more (and conversely very much less) into Life. The key is recognising the really important things (the golf balls), and to put them in first. The day to day trivial stuff (sand) can go in last.
There are many young players (and fellow coaches too) who have spoken to me about how relevant this has been for them – but for me it is just a little ‘piece of theatre’ designed to engage them on an unconscious level.
‘The Folded T-Shirt’.
I saw a YouTube video once entitled ‘Learn a new skill in 15 seconds’. I watched intrigued as a Japanese man was filmed in the street showing passers-by how to fold a T-Shirt so that it looked like a new product in wrappings on a shelf in a shop. As all his instructions were in Japanese, I had to pay close attention to how he did it visibly. And, amazingly for me – I got it very quickly, almost in 15 seconds as it happened!
Now here was the key, as far as I was concerned – visible modelling. If I could do it then I could use it as a demonstration of how new physical skills can be best acquired. I first used the routine on a group of 11 year old young sportspersons, first demonstrating and then asking for volunteers to have a go themselves.
It’s very engaging and shows us how to (a) notice certain beliefs that may be detrimental to our progress, (b) notice that too much thinking can get in the way of our learning and executing certain physical tasks and activities.
Here again we witness the power of the obvious – and because of familiarity with the routine I often devalue its usefulness.
Obligatory
So it’s important to remember that something simple and obvious to you may well be novel and meaningfully relevant to someone else. And in that novelty and newness there will be power, perhaps power for change; a change for good; a change of mind; and all because we’ve broadened their perspective.
Once you acknowledge the power of the obvious, using it becomes obligatory – because we are all instruments of change, of evolution.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Effective Communication
People have often asked me “How do you balance your work as a mind therapist, trainer and presenter, performance coach, carer and technical sports coach – given the scattered and diverse nature of the working disciplines and the ages and types of people you’re dealing with?”
My usual answer begins from the standpoint that the working disciplines are not as diverse as they might seem on the face of it.
The common thread is communication - and using the many languages of communication - in order to achieve a state of RAPPORT from whence I can get my client(s) into whatever state is going to be the most effective, for them, in terms of the purpose of our interaction.
The Power of Listening
Now the purpose of our interaction, although pre-ordained, generally involves some time constraint – and it is here where my use of various levels of communication needs to be most effective. If I have only a 30 minute client session or a 45 minute school lesson, then I need to be as clear and precise as I can be to maximise the time available to us. Part of that maximisation comes in understanding how good people are at listening and paying attention. In schools this is particularly important, and I have learnt a lot in recent years from teachers who are ‘at the coal face’ when it comes to maximising the listening and attention of groups they are working with.
Similarly, in terms of 1-to-1 communication, the level of maximisation I can bring to any conversation is dependent upon my ability to read ALL the communication from the other person – part of which involves switching off my own internal dialogue. This means not spending time thinking about what I'm going to say next. I trust that when the time comes I'll know what to say.
Try listening to 2 (or more) people talking to you at once and you’ll get an idea of what it’s like when we are competing with our internal dialogue. It’s all clamour and no focus. We've all said "I can't hear myself think" at some stage haven't we?
The other bonus I get when really listening to clients with nothing on MY mind is the enhanced level of rapport. By really listening to someone I convey to them the priceless gift that, at this moment in time – this NOW – there is nothing more important to me in the world than them and what they are saying; and opens up a trust and a bond between us. It’s a charismatic and hypnotic effect, and is very powerful for us all as communicators.
Dealing with our “Sheep”
There was a series on TV called “One Man and His Dog” which was centred around sheep dog trialling. They would film each episode in different parts of the country, with a local flock of sheep and two dog & handler partnerships in competition through a variety of disciplines. It was often said that regardless of how good the dog and handler were, that the personality of the sheep (both herd and individual) was the key element in determining the outcome of the competition. There are some similar parallels with this and the effectiveness of my sessions, as my “sheep” certainly do all have minds of their own!
So what gives things more of a chance of being effective? It is all about MY flexibility and detachment from my own agendas. If I go into ANY session wanting this or that to happen, then I have an agenda. If I go into any session with a clouded state of mind, or a particularly negative mood, then I have an agenda. My discipline is (a) to not have any personal NEEDS from the session and (b) to be as PERCEPTIVE as possible for the benefit of the “sheep”.
Agendas versus Pre-frames
These personal wants and needs all centre around Outcome(s). If it is important to ME to get “X” out of a session then it is my part of MY agenda. If it’s important for the CLIENT to get “X” out of a session then it’s part of THEIR agenda. Agendas bring a level of judgement to proceedings, and the more specific the agenda the narrower the communications pathway.
Agendas are fine for meetings because they are there to filter-out unnecessary and time-wasteful areas of discussion. Agendas for sessions are not effective because of that self-same filter-out process. Useful things will be missed. The purpose of the session is not for me to showcase my own ideas and voice, after all!
A much more effective way of setting the scene for a session is by using pre-frames. Pre-framing sets up a level of focus for what may be likely to take place. It’s persuasive rather than coercive. It directs the client and leaves their autonomy intact – it does not deny them their own agenda, although it demands their compliance in the softest of ways. It’s a kind of arm-round-the-shoulder “come with me I want to show you something” sort of set-up.
My sessions tend to open up along these lines:
• We’re going to have some pre-framed interaction (either a chat, or a session outline) AND
• We’re going to explore some areas that may be of use to you (the client)
The Power of Presuppositions
Presuppositions I see as being assumptions by inference or implication based upon linguistic content, and they are present in everything we say.
Take a simple phrase such as “I am going to the cinema.”
It assumes there is something called a cinema; that it is a place where people go; that it is somewhere other than here; that the one I’m going to is a particular cinema; that the action I’m taking is about to happen or already happening; and so on.
The pre-suppositions in my session opener mentioned above are that:-
There’ll be some talking and some listening by both of us on topics or matters that have brought you (the client) to this place; that there are areas here that are likely to be of use to you (the client); that some exploration is going to take place by both of us and that the exploration leads to some benefit to you (the client); that the interaction (chat, etc) and the exploration are not mutually exclusive, but are bound together to lead to a beneficial outcome.
Whilst there are other implications here that I may have missed, this simple opening gambit is very effective – whether for someone with (say) weight or stress issues or for a class of 10 year olds who are going to be learning something sports-specific. Pre-suppositions are a very subtle and covert tool, and when built into an effective preamble, can set the scene for some amazing discoveries, understandings, learnings and insights for our clients.
The Many Languages of Communication
Communication is not just about the Verbal and Non-verbal. These are just the major headings, for within each of these categories are a whole range of languages. Each of our five major senses has a unique language of communication beyond words – if you aren’t sure give someone a whiff of smelling salts, get them to suck a lemon, hold a hot water bottle, hear a siren, see a sunset and you’ll get a non-verbal reaction from them.
Plain Verbal interpretations are substitutes for the real thing, and usually very low grade ones as well. Think of the quote “A picture paints a thousand words” and you'll see what I mean. Similarly with the auditory sense, music and rhythm are a vast language, far, far greater than words because they reach deep into both what we hear and feel.
Take a look at this famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally" and look out for how many and varied are the subtleties of verbal, non-verbal and sensual language on view.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0OeM6UUAoI&feature=related
But words, however inadequate at times, are OUR chosen ‘method of transport’ when it comes to conveying information. Birds have another, dogs another, ants another. How we use words is therefore of vital importance in terms of how effective we are as communicators. Somehow, these days, our digital world is turning the already low-octane fuel of verbal communications into something even more diminished. The tide is flowing towards greater verbal interaction through texts and emails – yet on a deeper level we are becoming even more detached from the meaning we are trying to convey in our communications - leading to misunderstandings, mind reads, mis-interpretations etc.
The digital world is a world of machines; however when Joe Public is confronted with ‘analogue’ communicators there is this growing perception that people think they are something of a special breed! Turning the language of sensual experience into words is something we learn to do but there is NO substitute for the REAL language if we ever want to make an impact– which is why we learn and understand more about our relationship with the outer world through experience and not through words.
Conclusion
So what are the keys to becoming better and more effective communicators?
• Practice Powerful Listening to allow clients to experience the gifts that come with being paid total attention.
• Take the fast route to Rapport to quickly open the doors to guidance, influence, persuasion by recognizing the influence of your own moods and abandoning your own agendas.
• Deepen your Sensory Acuity to give you a much broader, deeper, wider and fuller picture of your clients. Go for 3D!
• Learn and understand more about the Languages of the Senses and how you can get points across through many different ways at once.
• Find out about and practice using a wider range of Linguistic Tools so that through habitual use you gain a greater level of Unconscious Competence.
It does take practice and habit. Above all it takes enthusiasm and a desire to get better and better
My usual answer begins from the standpoint that the working disciplines are not as diverse as they might seem on the face of it.
The common thread is communication - and using the many languages of communication - in order to achieve a state of RAPPORT from whence I can get my client(s) into whatever state is going to be the most effective, for them, in terms of the purpose of our interaction.
The Power of Listening
Now the purpose of our interaction, although pre-ordained, generally involves some time constraint – and it is here where my use of various levels of communication needs to be most effective. If I have only a 30 minute client session or a 45 minute school lesson, then I need to be as clear and precise as I can be to maximise the time available to us. Part of that maximisation comes in understanding how good people are at listening and paying attention. In schools this is particularly important, and I have learnt a lot in recent years from teachers who are ‘at the coal face’ when it comes to maximising the listening and attention of groups they are working with.
Similarly, in terms of 1-to-1 communication, the level of maximisation I can bring to any conversation is dependent upon my ability to read ALL the communication from the other person – part of which involves switching off my own internal dialogue. This means not spending time thinking about what I'm going to say next. I trust that when the time comes I'll know what to say.
Try listening to 2 (or more) people talking to you at once and you’ll get an idea of what it’s like when we are competing with our internal dialogue. It’s all clamour and no focus. We've all said "I can't hear myself think" at some stage haven't we?
The other bonus I get when really listening to clients with nothing on MY mind is the enhanced level of rapport. By really listening to someone I convey to them the priceless gift that, at this moment in time – this NOW – there is nothing more important to me in the world than them and what they are saying; and opens up a trust and a bond between us. It’s a charismatic and hypnotic effect, and is very powerful for us all as communicators.
Dealing with our “Sheep”
There was a series on TV called “One Man and His Dog” which was centred around sheep dog trialling. They would film each episode in different parts of the country, with a local flock of sheep and two dog & handler partnerships in competition through a variety of disciplines. It was often said that regardless of how good the dog and handler were, that the personality of the sheep (both herd and individual) was the key element in determining the outcome of the competition. There are some similar parallels with this and the effectiveness of my sessions, as my “sheep” certainly do all have minds of their own!
So what gives things more of a chance of being effective? It is all about MY flexibility and detachment from my own agendas. If I go into ANY session wanting this or that to happen, then I have an agenda. If I go into any session with a clouded state of mind, or a particularly negative mood, then I have an agenda. My discipline is (a) to not have any personal NEEDS from the session and (b) to be as PERCEPTIVE as possible for the benefit of the “sheep”.
Agendas versus Pre-frames
These personal wants and needs all centre around Outcome(s). If it is important to ME to get “X” out of a session then it is my part of MY agenda. If it’s important for the CLIENT to get “X” out of a session then it’s part of THEIR agenda. Agendas bring a level of judgement to proceedings, and the more specific the agenda the narrower the communications pathway.
Agendas are fine for meetings because they are there to filter-out unnecessary and time-wasteful areas of discussion. Agendas for sessions are not effective because of that self-same filter-out process. Useful things will be missed. The purpose of the session is not for me to showcase my own ideas and voice, after all!
A much more effective way of setting the scene for a session is by using pre-frames. Pre-framing sets up a level of focus for what may be likely to take place. It’s persuasive rather than coercive. It directs the client and leaves their autonomy intact – it does not deny them their own agenda, although it demands their compliance in the softest of ways. It’s a kind of arm-round-the-shoulder “come with me I want to show you something” sort of set-up.
My sessions tend to open up along these lines:
• We’re going to have some pre-framed interaction (either a chat, or a session outline) AND
• We’re going to explore some areas that may be of use to you (the client)
The Power of Presuppositions
Presuppositions I see as being assumptions by inference or implication based upon linguistic content, and they are present in everything we say.
Take a simple phrase such as “I am going to the cinema.”
It assumes there is something called a cinema; that it is a place where people go; that it is somewhere other than here; that the one I’m going to is a particular cinema; that the action I’m taking is about to happen or already happening; and so on.
The pre-suppositions in my session opener mentioned above are that:-
There’ll be some talking and some listening by both of us on topics or matters that have brought you (the client) to this place; that there are areas here that are likely to be of use to you (the client); that some exploration is going to take place by both of us and that the exploration leads to some benefit to you (the client); that the interaction (chat, etc) and the exploration are not mutually exclusive, but are bound together to lead to a beneficial outcome.
Whilst there are other implications here that I may have missed, this simple opening gambit is very effective – whether for someone with (say) weight or stress issues or for a class of 10 year olds who are going to be learning something sports-specific. Pre-suppositions are a very subtle and covert tool, and when built into an effective preamble, can set the scene for some amazing discoveries, understandings, learnings and insights for our clients.
The Many Languages of Communication
Communication is not just about the Verbal and Non-verbal. These are just the major headings, for within each of these categories are a whole range of languages. Each of our five major senses has a unique language of communication beyond words – if you aren’t sure give someone a whiff of smelling salts, get them to suck a lemon, hold a hot water bottle, hear a siren, see a sunset and you’ll get a non-verbal reaction from them.
Plain Verbal interpretations are substitutes for the real thing, and usually very low grade ones as well. Think of the quote “A picture paints a thousand words” and you'll see what I mean. Similarly with the auditory sense, music and rhythm are a vast language, far, far greater than words because they reach deep into both what we hear and feel.
Take a look at this famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally" and look out for how many and varied are the subtleties of verbal, non-verbal and sensual language on view.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0OeM6UUAoI&feature=related
But words, however inadequate at times, are OUR chosen ‘method of transport’ when it comes to conveying information. Birds have another, dogs another, ants another. How we use words is therefore of vital importance in terms of how effective we are as communicators. Somehow, these days, our digital world is turning the already low-octane fuel of verbal communications into something even more diminished. The tide is flowing towards greater verbal interaction through texts and emails – yet on a deeper level we are becoming even more detached from the meaning we are trying to convey in our communications - leading to misunderstandings, mind reads, mis-interpretations etc.
The digital world is a world of machines; however when Joe Public is confronted with ‘analogue’ communicators there is this growing perception that people think they are something of a special breed! Turning the language of sensual experience into words is something we learn to do but there is NO substitute for the REAL language if we ever want to make an impact– which is why we learn and understand more about our relationship with the outer world through experience and not through words.
Conclusion
So what are the keys to becoming better and more effective communicators?
• Practice Powerful Listening to allow clients to experience the gifts that come with being paid total attention.
• Take the fast route to Rapport to quickly open the doors to guidance, influence, persuasion by recognizing the influence of your own moods and abandoning your own agendas.
• Deepen your Sensory Acuity to give you a much broader, deeper, wider and fuller picture of your clients. Go for 3D!
• Learn and understand more about the Languages of the Senses and how you can get points across through many different ways at once.
• Find out about and practice using a wider range of Linguistic Tools so that through habitual use you gain a greater level of Unconscious Competence.
It does take practice and habit. Above all it takes enthusiasm and a desire to get better and better
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Approval v Value = The Mindset War
I had a discussion with a PT today, and it sparked a real thought in my head about the 2 conflicting mindsets that exist - not just in the fitness industry, but for every individual in every context, everywhere.
At some point in time, we have all been in the mindset that we need something to solve our problems, e.g. get 10 more clients and I will have enough money and my manager will be off my back, I need a girlfriend to be normal/like my friends, I need £1,000,000 to be happy. There are endless possibilities, you get the idea!
Conversely, at some point in time we have all been free of need and done things because we want to make a difference with something/someone. We give our time to someone who looks like they could use the help, we offer free advice or we do some coaching for a project were really passionate about.
So what's the difference in these mindsets, and how can you choose?
Approval
Commonly associated with phrases like "need", "have to" and "must", the approval mindset is born out of a deep rooted inability to know your own true worth. It is sometimes situational, but always stems from the 'need' to prove yourself/your worth.
If you've ever been in a relationship with someone, you'll know that neediness is the single biggest killer of any connection. It gives rise to frustration, anger and...well...there's a whole lot of negatives here.
At the start of a relationship, or first meeting, it can be spotted easily and is frankly like carbon monoxide - You may not know it's there, but its definitely going to wipe out anything in its path - in this case, your ability to build the relationship further.
Now you all know the commonalities of Approval Seeking, you will know whether you have ever been in that position before. What it looked, sounded and felt like to each of us is different, so its important to notice what you notice if you have one of these 'moments' in the future, and take action.
This mindset is common, because we are encouraged to do it by those around us. Most of Western business is based on the thought of stress, anxiety, tension and emotion being a good thing for us - and going often not falling in line with this thinking is seen as 'abnormal'.
So if you are a person who seeks approval often, and needs things to make all the difference, you're not alone.
Value
The value mindset comes from a different place to most others. When you know the value of who you are and what you do, everything becomes about using your time to give your best skills and attributes to those who will get maximum benefit.
I actually met someone today with this mindset. He is a PT, and we spoke about the lack of need to get lots and lots of clients when he started. He decided that to be the best PT he could be, he had to have his best interests at heart, as well as those of his clients. As a result, he decided that he was going to PT only between 8 and 6 Monday to Friday. He was an excellent PT with a steady business, and had regular clients who came back time after time. He even let go the ones that did not respect the value they were getting, and who often turned up late but with no apology.
When you have something of value, you have no problem in knowing the value of it. You set the parameters for those who are interested in taking that value, and the price. This is the building block for how you charge what you are really worth, and how you set the hours you want to work in. It is how some people make 2-3 times what others are making, with the same information, experience and skill. This is a skill that can be worked on, it is not something 'you just have', but something you can acquire.
How can I choose?
I had a PT come to me the other day with a problem. "I have no problem showcasing my PT, but when it comes to getting people to sign on the dotted line for my sessions, I don't know what to do".
I pointed out that she was looking at this from a 100% approval mindset - I dont like to ask for money because they might feel like im trying to sell them something!
Fact - people are interested in PT because, in the most part, they already see the value in doing it as oppose to doing their training alone.
All you have to do is reinforce the value that your client's are going to get from you. Then, the money is not an issue, because your charging for your time. There is no 'sale' as such. They are agreeing to work with you. Your time is valuable and in demand, so they are paying for the privilege. In return they will get you and your expertise.
You can always choose your mindset, and the more you choose value, the less choice you will have to make and the greater understanding you will have of your own worth.
Try the bold paragraph out as an affirmation - say it out loud or in your head as if you're speaking to yourself. Say it more than once if this is more effective. Do this before your next interaction and report back on the results
At some point in time, we have all been in the mindset that we need something to solve our problems, e.g. get 10 more clients and I will have enough money and my manager will be off my back, I need a girlfriend to be normal/like my friends, I need £1,000,000 to be happy. There are endless possibilities, you get the idea!
Conversely, at some point in time we have all been free of need and done things because we want to make a difference with something/someone. We give our time to someone who looks like they could use the help, we offer free advice or we do some coaching for a project were really passionate about.
So what's the difference in these mindsets, and how can you choose?
Approval
Commonly associated with phrases like "need", "have to" and "must", the approval mindset is born out of a deep rooted inability to know your own true worth. It is sometimes situational, but always stems from the 'need' to prove yourself/your worth.
If you've ever been in a relationship with someone, you'll know that neediness is the single biggest killer of any connection. It gives rise to frustration, anger and...well...there's a whole lot of negatives here.
At the start of a relationship, or first meeting, it can be spotted easily and is frankly like carbon monoxide - You may not know it's there, but its definitely going to wipe out anything in its path - in this case, your ability to build the relationship further.
Now you all know the commonalities of Approval Seeking, you will know whether you have ever been in that position before. What it looked, sounded and felt like to each of us is different, so its important to notice what you notice if you have one of these 'moments' in the future, and take action.
This mindset is common, because we are encouraged to do it by those around us. Most of Western business is based on the thought of stress, anxiety, tension and emotion being a good thing for us - and going often not falling in line with this thinking is seen as 'abnormal'.
So if you are a person who seeks approval often, and needs things to make all the difference, you're not alone.
Value
The value mindset comes from a different place to most others. When you know the value of who you are and what you do, everything becomes about using your time to give your best skills and attributes to those who will get maximum benefit.
I actually met someone today with this mindset. He is a PT, and we spoke about the lack of need to get lots and lots of clients when he started. He decided that to be the best PT he could be, he had to have his best interests at heart, as well as those of his clients. As a result, he decided that he was going to PT only between 8 and 6 Monday to Friday. He was an excellent PT with a steady business, and had regular clients who came back time after time. He even let go the ones that did not respect the value they were getting, and who often turned up late but with no apology.
When you have something of value, you have no problem in knowing the value of it. You set the parameters for those who are interested in taking that value, and the price. This is the building block for how you charge what you are really worth, and how you set the hours you want to work in. It is how some people make 2-3 times what others are making, with the same information, experience and skill. This is a skill that can be worked on, it is not something 'you just have', but something you can acquire.
How can I choose?
I had a PT come to me the other day with a problem. "I have no problem showcasing my PT, but when it comes to getting people to sign on the dotted line for my sessions, I don't know what to do".
I pointed out that she was looking at this from a 100% approval mindset - I dont like to ask for money because they might feel like im trying to sell them something!
Fact - people are interested in PT because, in the most part, they already see the value in doing it as oppose to doing their training alone.
All you have to do is reinforce the value that your client's are going to get from you. Then, the money is not an issue, because your charging for your time. There is no 'sale' as such. They are agreeing to work with you. Your time is valuable and in demand, so they are paying for the privilege. In return they will get you and your expertise.
You can always choose your mindset, and the more you choose value, the less choice you will have to make and the greater understanding you will have of your own worth.
Try the bold paragraph out as an affirmation - say it out loud or in your head as if you're speaking to yourself. Say it more than once if this is more effective. Do this before your next interaction and report back on the results
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Confidence and The Leap of Faith
In a recent post on my personal blog I wrote about the Magician's Mindset, and how taking this single-minded approach to what we do - especially in terms of a contest, a performance, taking an action - is a choice that liberates us from the debilitating shackles of self-questioning and self-doubt.
In terms of an illustration for this I always use this clip from Indiana Jones, called the "Leap of Faith"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqpevshcdww&feature=related
Blueprints
The thing about self-doubt is that it is like a stalactite or stalagmite, built up by drip-drip-feeding from failure, lack of success, non-success, shortcomings, the damning effects of "could do better", the inability to please others or ourselves. The other thing is that once it has grown in one particular place, then a pattern has been established (a blueprint if you like) that allows it to be replicated in other parts of our life.
There is another blueprint - for self confidence, built in a similar way, and that pervades, by replication, other parts of our life.
And stepping back to take in the bigger picture, there are a whole range of blueprints, channelled by experience, that we build and use in all parts of our lives.
The Cache for speedy processing
These blueprints sit on the shelves in our chart-room along with our maps of the world - waiting to be consulted for whatever we are doing, or are going to do. The thing is that the more we use certain blueprints and maps, the more we are likely to use them again and again. Rather like the 'cache' in our computer's memory, we keep these blueprints and maps close to hand for quicker processing. If we are 'good at confident' then we continue to be good at it - likewise the pessimists, the mopey types, the hypercriticals, the judgementals reach for the same regular maps and blueprints because they're near to hand, and they continue to be good at being how they are too.
How do we talk about Confidence?
Look at these statements and decide which means more to you, which one reflects your beliefs more, and which is the most powerful for you:-
"I have confidence in myself"
"I am confident"
"I am self-confident"
"I have confidence"
Two statements relate to having - two relate to being; Two refer to just "I" - the other two refer to "I" and "self"; plus there's an implication that "confidence" is some kind of an entity; and perhaps other linguistic nuances abound also.
The ebb and flow of Confidence
The thing about confidence (or being confident) is that (for most of us) it ebbs and flows through our lives and we tend to want more of it when we are approaching or anticipating a crucial or important event or action for us. Most people ask me things like "I'd like more confidence when I do X" or "I want to feel more confident when Y happens". The requisition of more confident(ce) is needed in a certain context.
Then there's the people where the ebb and flow is less noticeable, where the tide is always low, and who just "want more confidence in my life" or who "want to be more confident in everything". Now these tend to be the folk who use SELF when describing what they want as well, and although this might be construed as being "just the way they say things", the fact is that they are also using SELF here - for a reason.
The late David Grove, the psychologist who developed Clean Language, also developed Pronoun-scapes - and in particular how we break down the view of things relating to ourselves into the four categories of "I - Me - Self - You". There are ambiguities in the way we describe things about ourselves in this fourfold regard, that have a powerful hold over the way we draw and use our blueprints. Take this conversation as an example:-
"You know, I find that one of the things that happens to me when I talk to myself is....."
How would you finish the sentence for this person?
My reply is most likely to be:- "...that I don't really know who I'm talking to?"
Amusing as this may seem, once you start to listen out for how people use these pronouns when talking about themselves, it gives you some great clues as to what's going on inside their heads - and also clues as to how they can clear things up and move on.
So - back to Confidence!
Ideally, it's a way of being - on the inside. "I am confident!"
It's a way of doing actions when you don't have to worry or be concerned about how things will turn out. It's a way of playing or performing when you know that through the processes the outcomes will be the best they can possibly be in this precise moment.
For all of us, getting to the state of having more Confidence is again about understanding the Leap of Faith - rather than relying on luck, superstition, drugs, alcohol, the quick 'external' fix, The Mask, The Tuxedo, the Invisibility Cloak, Sparky's Magic Piano etc.
In terms of Indiana Jones, Confidence is faith that the "stone bridge of processes" is what gets You from Now to the Outcome of the other side. Yes you can be guided, but that step, that choice, the Leap, is something only you can do.
It starts by looking ourselves in the "I".
In terms of an illustration for this I always use this clip from Indiana Jones, called the "Leap of Faith"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqpevshcdww&feature=related
Blueprints
The thing about self-doubt is that it is like a stalactite or stalagmite, built up by drip-drip-feeding from failure, lack of success, non-success, shortcomings, the damning effects of "could do better", the inability to please others or ourselves. The other thing is that once it has grown in one particular place, then a pattern has been established (a blueprint if you like) that allows it to be replicated in other parts of our life.
There is another blueprint - for self confidence, built in a similar way, and that pervades, by replication, other parts of our life.
And stepping back to take in the bigger picture, there are a whole range of blueprints, channelled by experience, that we build and use in all parts of our lives.
The Cache for speedy processing
These blueprints sit on the shelves in our chart-room along with our maps of the world - waiting to be consulted for whatever we are doing, or are going to do. The thing is that the more we use certain blueprints and maps, the more we are likely to use them again and again. Rather like the 'cache' in our computer's memory, we keep these blueprints and maps close to hand for quicker processing. If we are 'good at confident' then we continue to be good at it - likewise the pessimists, the mopey types, the hypercriticals, the judgementals reach for the same regular maps and blueprints because they're near to hand, and they continue to be good at being how they are too.
How do we talk about Confidence?
Look at these statements and decide which means more to you, which one reflects your beliefs more, and which is the most powerful for you:-
"I have confidence in myself"
"I am confident"
"I am self-confident"
"I have confidence"
Two statements relate to having - two relate to being; Two refer to just "I" - the other two refer to "I" and "self"; plus there's an implication that "confidence" is some kind of an entity; and perhaps other linguistic nuances abound also.
The ebb and flow of Confidence
The thing about confidence (or being confident) is that (for most of us) it ebbs and flows through our lives and we tend to want more of it when we are approaching or anticipating a crucial or important event or action for us. Most people ask me things like "I'd like more confidence when I do X" or "I want to feel more confident when Y happens". The requisition of more confident(ce) is needed in a certain context.
Then there's the people where the ebb and flow is less noticeable, where the tide is always low, and who just "want more confidence in my life" or who "want to be more confident in everything". Now these tend to be the folk who use SELF when describing what they want as well, and although this might be construed as being "just the way they say things", the fact is that they are also using SELF here - for a reason.
The late David Grove, the psychologist who developed Clean Language, also developed Pronoun-scapes - and in particular how we break down the view of things relating to ourselves into the four categories of "I - Me - Self - You". There are ambiguities in the way we describe things about ourselves in this fourfold regard, that have a powerful hold over the way we draw and use our blueprints. Take this conversation as an example:-
"You know, I find that one of the things that happens to me when I talk to myself is....."
How would you finish the sentence for this person?
My reply is most likely to be:- "...that I don't really know who I'm talking to?"
Amusing as this may seem, once you start to listen out for how people use these pronouns when talking about themselves, it gives you some great clues as to what's going on inside their heads - and also clues as to how they can clear things up and move on.
So - back to Confidence!
Ideally, it's a way of being - on the inside. "I am confident!"
It's a way of doing actions when you don't have to worry or be concerned about how things will turn out. It's a way of playing or performing when you know that through the processes the outcomes will be the best they can possibly be in this precise moment.
For all of us, getting to the state of having more Confidence is again about understanding the Leap of Faith - rather than relying on luck, superstition, drugs, alcohol, the quick 'external' fix, The Mask, The Tuxedo, the Invisibility Cloak, Sparky's Magic Piano etc.
In terms of Indiana Jones, Confidence is faith that the "stone bridge of processes" is what gets You from Now to the Outcome of the other side. Yes you can be guided, but that step, that choice, the Leap, is something only you can do.
It starts by looking ourselves in the "I".
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Body Language Basics - Eye Contact
So we've all heard that 'Body Language' is a massively important part of interactions and relationships, and that it conveys plenty of information about a person and what they are saying (e.g. if it is authentic, whether they actually believe it and so on).
Ever found yourself in a situation where you weren't very confident in what you said to someone even though you really believed it? Did you hold eye contact throughout?
Maybe you were really trying to get across how good your product is, or the value of someone paying for your services, but didn't quite get them 'hooked'? Did you hold eye contact throughout?
If your answer to the first question was 'Yes', then the likelihood is your answer to the second was 'No'.
I want you to consider the power of eye contact, how it can improve your credibility and give you authority before you say a single word.
Eye contact is one of the most powerful sub communication tools for any human. Recent research by the University of Alabama concluded that in experts, those with high levels of eye contact with their audience had significantly higher credibility levels than those that had medium and low levels.
I think most of us would consider ourselves the 'experts' in the trainer-client relationship,as they are paying for skills and expertise that we have.
So this should go some way to convincing you that it is important enough for you to be aware of it, and to work on it.
To those of you that disagree, let me give you another perspective:
Research by marine scientists and shark experts has proven that direct eye contact with a shark can deter it from attacking you.
Metaphorically this is pretty powerful. If you knew that practising eye contact could one day save your life, wouldn't you be more motivated to try it out, and discover what other benefits you could acquire from such practise??? I know I would be first in line in the staring championships!
There are lots of ways to practice eye contact, but here I will break it down into 3 easy stages. I invite you to go through all 3 in turn, and then choose whichever is relevant to you at the time. Once you get comfortable, move on to another technique to keep your learning curve rising.
Mirror Practice
With yourself, keep eye contact in the mirror for a total of 1 minute, with a 20 second break. Do this a total of 10 reps a day for 1 week. Notice what you notice about yourself (or don't notice), and always stay present in the conscious. If you find yourself drifting out, take your break and have another go, but start your 10 reps again.
Practice with a Friend/Colleague
A good confidence builder. In 10 daily conversations with friends or colleagues, as they speak look them right in the eye until it is your turn. Again, notice what you notice about what they are saying to you, and feel how natural it feels. When it is your turn to talk, repeat the eye contact. Once you get good, try talking about a subject that you would normally avoid. Notice how much more receptive your audience are with your viewpoint. Do this at least 3 days a week for as long as you need to make it automatic.
Practice with Clients
Now you're ready to use this with your clients. You probably do some of this already in your interactions, so I want you to do this specifically when you are saying something that you 100% believe in, but are not confident saying to another person. Maintain eye contact as you deliver your message, and notice what you notice about how receptive they are to what you say. Practice this on your next 10 clients, and your next 10 potential ones and measure your success. Reinforce with friend/colleague practice for your following 20 and notice the difference.
Take this forward and learn every day
To your vision
Asa
Ever found yourself in a situation where you weren't very confident in what you said to someone even though you really believed it? Did you hold eye contact throughout?
Maybe you were really trying to get across how good your product is, or the value of someone paying for your services, but didn't quite get them 'hooked'? Did you hold eye contact throughout?
If your answer to the first question was 'Yes', then the likelihood is your answer to the second was 'No'.
I want you to consider the power of eye contact, how it can improve your credibility and give you authority before you say a single word.
Eye contact is one of the most powerful sub communication tools for any human. Recent research by the University of Alabama concluded that in experts, those with high levels of eye contact with their audience had significantly higher credibility levels than those that had medium and low levels.
I think most of us would consider ourselves the 'experts' in the trainer-client relationship,as they are paying for skills and expertise that we have.
So this should go some way to convincing you that it is important enough for you to be aware of it, and to work on it.
To those of you that disagree, let me give you another perspective:
Research by marine scientists and shark experts has proven that direct eye contact with a shark can deter it from attacking you.
Metaphorically this is pretty powerful. If you knew that practising eye contact could one day save your life, wouldn't you be more motivated to try it out, and discover what other benefits you could acquire from such practise??? I know I would be first in line in the staring championships!
There are lots of ways to practice eye contact, but here I will break it down into 3 easy stages. I invite you to go through all 3 in turn, and then choose whichever is relevant to you at the time. Once you get comfortable, move on to another technique to keep your learning curve rising.
Mirror Practice
With yourself, keep eye contact in the mirror for a total of 1 minute, with a 20 second break. Do this a total of 10 reps a day for 1 week. Notice what you notice about yourself (or don't notice), and always stay present in the conscious. If you find yourself drifting out, take your break and have another go, but start your 10 reps again.
Practice with a Friend/Colleague
A good confidence builder. In 10 daily conversations with friends or colleagues, as they speak look them right in the eye until it is your turn. Again, notice what you notice about what they are saying to you, and feel how natural it feels. When it is your turn to talk, repeat the eye contact. Once you get good, try talking about a subject that you would normally avoid. Notice how much more receptive your audience are with your viewpoint. Do this at least 3 days a week for as long as you need to make it automatic.
Practice with Clients
Now you're ready to use this with your clients. You probably do some of this already in your interactions, so I want you to do this specifically when you are saying something that you 100% believe in, but are not confident saying to another person. Maintain eye contact as you deliver your message, and notice what you notice about how receptive they are to what you say. Practice this on your next 10 clients, and your next 10 potential ones and measure your success. Reinforce with friend/colleague practice for your following 20 and notice the difference.
Take this forward and learn every day
To your vision
Asa
Saturday, 2 April 2011
The Secret to Productivity and Enjoyment
There is a Secret that 99% of us are missing out on.
It's a Secret that all the superstars in the world of coaching and training already know and understand.
Those that live the life that they want and realised their dreams every day. Those people that are having seemingly "effortless success". They all understand the 1 thing that affects your ability to be productive, and how to work it in their favour.
This secret is simple.........it's your Mood
Mood affects everything we do. It affects our productivity, drive, interactions, relationships, communication, body language and, in essence, our whole being.
When we are in a good mood, everything seems easy.
Flip the situation to when we are in a bad or low mood:
Answer - Our Thinking
Our world is a constant. Things existed before we all were here, and will exist long after. We have little influence over most things that happen in our world. I use the term 'our' in this instance because each individual is living in their own world, the one created by the power of their thought.
It is how we can all have such separate experiences of the same events, through all of our senses.
We have a gazillion thoughts every day, a balance of positive and negative. This is a constant wave, and never changes.
When we are in a good mood, it's not that we have NO negative thoughts, it's that we give them no credit - we pay no attention to them. Because of this we have mental clarity and we swim down positive rivers of thought, which will flow into the sea of productivity and traquillity.
When we are in a bad mood, it's not that we have NO positive or inspiring thoughts, it's that we become so attentive to all the thoughts running through our head. It is impossible for us to know which are productive and which are destructive. We have sensory overload, and this is what causes us to have poor mental clarity. Poor mental clarity leads to poor decision making, because we follow all thoughts rather than the ones we know to be good. We are swimming in a similar river, with the same power, but it is flowing to the sea of negativity and destruction.
Phrases such as "I need to", "I really must" and "I have too much to do, and no time to do it" are common when we are in low mood.
That's great, but how does understanding this relate to me??
A good understanding of this means you will follow your thoughts when you are in a high mood and be productive. It also means that you will recognise when you are in a low mood, that your thinking is not to be trusted, and take action to deal with your mood (e.g. have a rest, take a break, have lunch, listen to some calming music for 5 mins).
Mood is a river of thought. You are the swimmer, so you can decide which river you swim in. Remember, all you have to do to ensure you get out of the negative river before it reaches the sea.
The same can be said of clients or colleagues that you work with. They will follow the same mental processes (we have all had a client or colleague who turns up with that 'I could happily punch everyone I see right now' look on their face).
Once you recognise they are in a low mood, you can focus on helping them out of it so they can be productive, safe in the knowledge if they are abrupt or negative it is not personal and is only their thinking.
This can always make you someone who people gravitate to because you can make them feel good. You can feel good because they are productive, and because you have helped them achieve it.
If there was someone you knew like that, with that level of understanding, wouldn't you want to spend time in their presence and absorb some of that 'positivity'?
I invite you to recognise your own thoughts next time you are in a high mood and smile at each positive thought and feeling that you have and the sensation of you floating down your river towards the sea.
I invite you to recognise the feeling of low mood, recognise that your thinking doesn't feel good. If you feel 'swamped' or 'drowning' in thought, recognise that its probably time to get out of the water, dry yourself off, grab a big float to lie on, and just let it find its own natural way to the river that leads you to your sea of traquillity.
It's a Secret that all the superstars in the world of coaching and training already know and understand.
Those that live the life that they want and realised their dreams every day. Those people that are having seemingly "effortless success". They all understand the 1 thing that affects your ability to be productive, and how to work it in their favour.
This secret is simple.........it's your Mood
Mood affects everything we do. It affects our productivity, drive, interactions, relationships, communication, body language and, in essence, our whole being.
When we are in a good mood, everything seems easy.
- We are very productive and driven to overcome anything that is put in our way
- When we interact and communicate, our message gets across to the recipient and we have a greater understanding of the messages they are sending us
- As a result, our relationships are fluid and problem free, creating a greater shared pleasure and appreciation from both sides
- Our body language is positive and welcoming, and this further reinforces our level of attraction and value
- We are at ease with ourselves and our world, and of greater assistance and guidance to those who we interact with
Flip the situation to when we are in a bad or low mood:
- We have lots to do and are overwhelmed meaning we achieve only a fraction, if anything
- We stuggle to communicate our message effectively, often taking 3 or 4 attempts to get our audience to understand what it is we are talking about
- Our body language becomes submissive causing us to repel others, often without realising it
- Our relationships with people are strained due to the lack of understanding
- We have a million worries about every single thing that we need to do, must do and what might happen if we don't do it
Answer - Our Thinking
Our world is a constant. Things existed before we all were here, and will exist long after. We have little influence over most things that happen in our world. I use the term 'our' in this instance because each individual is living in their own world, the one created by the power of their thought.
It is how we can all have such separate experiences of the same events, through all of our senses.
We have a gazillion thoughts every day, a balance of positive and negative. This is a constant wave, and never changes.
When we are in a good mood, it's not that we have NO negative thoughts, it's that we give them no credit - we pay no attention to them. Because of this we have mental clarity and we swim down positive rivers of thought, which will flow into the sea of productivity and traquillity.
When we are in a bad mood, it's not that we have NO positive or inspiring thoughts, it's that we become so attentive to all the thoughts running through our head. It is impossible for us to know which are productive and which are destructive. We have sensory overload, and this is what causes us to have poor mental clarity. Poor mental clarity leads to poor decision making, because we follow all thoughts rather than the ones we know to be good. We are swimming in a similar river, with the same power, but it is flowing to the sea of negativity and destruction.
Phrases such as "I need to", "I really must" and "I have too much to do, and no time to do it" are common when we are in low mood.
That's great, but how does understanding this relate to me??
A good understanding of this means you will follow your thoughts when you are in a high mood and be productive. It also means that you will recognise when you are in a low mood, that your thinking is not to be trusted, and take action to deal with your mood (e.g. have a rest, take a break, have lunch, listen to some calming music for 5 mins).
Mood is a river of thought. You are the swimmer, so you can decide which river you swim in. Remember, all you have to do to ensure you get out of the negative river before it reaches the sea.
The same can be said of clients or colleagues that you work with. They will follow the same mental processes (we have all had a client or colleague who turns up with that 'I could happily punch everyone I see right now' look on their face).
Once you recognise they are in a low mood, you can focus on helping them out of it so they can be productive, safe in the knowledge if they are abrupt or negative it is not personal and is only their thinking.
This can always make you someone who people gravitate to because you can make them feel good. You can feel good because they are productive, and because you have helped them achieve it.
If there was someone you knew like that, with that level of understanding, wouldn't you want to spend time in their presence and absorb some of that 'positivity'?
I invite you to recognise your own thoughts next time you are in a high mood and smile at each positive thought and feeling that you have and the sensation of you floating down your river towards the sea.
I invite you to recognise the feeling of low mood, recognise that your thinking doesn't feel good. If you feel 'swamped' or 'drowning' in thought, recognise that its probably time to get out of the water, dry yourself off, grab a big float to lie on, and just let it find its own natural way to the river that leads you to your sea of traquillity.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Communication and Learning are Dialogues!
There is an inherent danger lurking within the expert/client or master/novice relationship that we all need to be mindful of...and it is this. Being an expert or master only exists within the boundaries of that particular expertise or mastery. Overriding all of this is the human and personal relationship - and in this none of us is an expert or a master. What differentiates us is our level of knowledge through experience, our level of empathy through understanding, our level of rapport through trust and synchronicity, and our level of acknowledgement through respect.
Communication and Learning are fluid and dynamic and should be a dialogue, should work both ways. Once we are comforable with this philosophy, then we cannot have anything but have a deep love and understanding of what brings us to how we are being as coaches, trainers, educators, mentors, facilitators and teachers.
I wrote a published article called "Acknowledge the Knowledge - and Spend it!" in which I illustrate the importance of the communication and learning dialogue. I also go on to point out why we should all "spend our knowledge" rather than hoard it - since Wisdom comes from spending our knowledge. Here is that article:-
Part of my acknowledgment of living is that I learn something new every day. This can be something experienced or something cognitively deduced or something insightful. Whichever way it is sourced, I always try to be true to acknowledging the wonder - and to thank the provider.
I believe it is part of what enables me to keep an open mind on everything and helps me maintain an understanding, a respect and a humility for my fellow humans.
Working a lot with children brings all these beliefs and values right up to the surface, in close proximity, and - by the very nature of coaching and teaching - it means that I spend a lot of time dispensing knowledge or routes to knowledge.
This is a relationship, however, and an equilibrium has to be maintained for this relationship to work best. All communication is a two way thing even though the balance of speak/hear, give/receive, talk/listen, show/copy, teach/learn etc ebbs and flows through the interactions of the relationship. There are times when I'm the learner/receiver and the child is the teacher/giver - its inevitable - it happens. And its at these times when I'm enthused, and I acknowledge the knowledge.
I love the look on a child's face when I thank them for helping ME learn something new today. They can't quite believe what they hear - because they are always used to knowledge, understandings, teachings, to be going in only one direction.
This acknowledgment builds and maintains rapport, which is essential for the teacher/learner or coach/client relationship to prosper, for learnings on both sides to be fostered. A few years back I discovered that by preframing every new school term of coaching visits by telling each class "For me, you are all geniuses - the thing is you don't yet know what you are geniuses at! Part of our journey of discovery this term is to discover what that might be," - that the outcomes in terms of learning skills through enjoyment for every pupil were momentous.
Knowledge is the currency of wisdom - and in the same way that money is worthless unless it is used - knowledge is worthless until it is used. Money and knowledge are purely means of exchange. Learning is an illusion until we use, or spend, the knowledge. To be clever, or artful, is of no use until the person converts their knowledge, uses their skills, for a purpose.
For now - all of us need to acknowledge the knowledge, and spend it!
Communication and Learning are fluid and dynamic and should be a dialogue, should work both ways. Once we are comforable with this philosophy, then we cannot have anything but have a deep love and understanding of what brings us to how we are being as coaches, trainers, educators, mentors, facilitators and teachers.
I wrote a published article called "Acknowledge the Knowledge - and Spend it!" in which I illustrate the importance of the communication and learning dialogue. I also go on to point out why we should all "spend our knowledge" rather than hoard it - since Wisdom comes from spending our knowledge. Here is that article:-
Part of my acknowledgment of living is that I learn something new every day. This can be something experienced or something cognitively deduced or something insightful. Whichever way it is sourced, I always try to be true to acknowledging the wonder - and to thank the provider.
I believe it is part of what enables me to keep an open mind on everything and helps me maintain an understanding, a respect and a humility for my fellow humans.
Working a lot with children brings all these beliefs and values right up to the surface, in close proximity, and - by the very nature of coaching and teaching - it means that I spend a lot of time dispensing knowledge or routes to knowledge.
This is a relationship, however, and an equilibrium has to be maintained for this relationship to work best. All communication is a two way thing even though the balance of speak/hear, give/receive, talk/listen, show/copy, teach/learn etc ebbs and flows through the interactions of the relationship. There are times when I'm the learner/receiver and the child is the teacher/giver - its inevitable - it happens. And its at these times when I'm enthused, and I acknowledge the knowledge.
I love the look on a child's face when I thank them for helping ME learn something new today. They can't quite believe what they hear - because they are always used to knowledge, understandings, teachings, to be going in only one direction.
This acknowledgment builds and maintains rapport, which is essential for the teacher/learner or coach/client relationship to prosper, for learnings on both sides to be fostered. A few years back I discovered that by preframing every new school term of coaching visits by telling each class "For me, you are all geniuses - the thing is you don't yet know what you are geniuses at! Part of our journey of discovery this term is to discover what that might be," - that the outcomes in terms of learning skills through enjoyment for every pupil were momentous.
Knowledge is the currency of wisdom - and in the same way that money is worthless unless it is used - knowledge is worthless until it is used. Money and knowledge are purely means of exchange. Learning is an illusion until we use, or spend, the knowledge. To be clever, or artful, is of no use until the person converts their knowledge, uses their skills, for a purpose.
For now - all of us need to acknowledge the knowledge, and spend it!
Friday, 11 March 2011
Creating Your Vision
Ever woken up and had a "Eureka" moment, where you have just seen the future and the career and life that you really want is visualised there, in front of you?
Many of us find ourselves in that situation more than once in a lifetime, and it fills us with purpose, energy and drive to do something positive and meaningful.
How many of us have actually "realised" this vision? Probably none of us.
There are several reasons for this:
1. We become fixed to the outcomes and circumstances rather than focussing on the task of 'creating' or 'building' the vision
2. We listen to the opinions and criticisms of the vision from others, and decide they must be right rather than trusting your own wisdom
3. We rationalise our situation and then find excuses and barriers to success
4. We become overwhelmed by our thoughts about all the possible outcomes, and convince ourselves that we cannot possibly "deliver the goods"
I can guarantee that you have displayed at least 1 of the 4 behaviours before in some form when planning action.
The key point here is to see that these are external influences that we are clinging onto. Everything you see above is a product of thought, not reality.
Take this example:
You set out that you want to give every client the body and lifestyle they desire. That they really can achieve anything they want with you training them.
This is your vision
No matter what, that will not change - if it is something you are truly passionate about and have come to you in one of 'those' moments I mentioned earlier
Having not created this or even started it, who is to say whether it will be successful or not?
Noone, not even you
The only way it will 100% NOT be successful is to not take the next step and start creating the vision
The phrase "paralysis by analysis" is a very apt one in this case, because to think too much about something is clouding your judgement with too many thoughts to really find the truly right option.
Some call this "getting to the heart of the matter"
A way to improve this when working with client's, and getting better results --> faster, is listening with no intent. The idea that by shutting off your conscious mind for a period of time, it will enable your wisdom to come through and find the perfect solution and set of objectives for you and your client.
Put this into practice and you will be well on the way to realising your client's vision, and I don't doubt, some way to realising your own.
Many of us find ourselves in that situation more than once in a lifetime, and it fills us with purpose, energy and drive to do something positive and meaningful.
How many of us have actually "realised" this vision? Probably none of us.
There are several reasons for this:
1. We become fixed to the outcomes and circumstances rather than focussing on the task of 'creating' or 'building' the vision
2. We listen to the opinions and criticisms of the vision from others, and decide they must be right rather than trusting your own wisdom
3. We rationalise our situation and then find excuses and barriers to success
4. We become overwhelmed by our thoughts about all the possible outcomes, and convince ourselves that we cannot possibly "deliver the goods"
I can guarantee that you have displayed at least 1 of the 4 behaviours before in some form when planning action.
The key point here is to see that these are external influences that we are clinging onto. Everything you see above is a product of thought, not reality.
Take this example:
You set out that you want to give every client the body and lifestyle they desire. That they really can achieve anything they want with you training them.
This is your vision
No matter what, that will not change - if it is something you are truly passionate about and have come to you in one of 'those' moments I mentioned earlier
Having not created this or even started it, who is to say whether it will be successful or not?
Noone, not even you
The only way it will 100% NOT be successful is to not take the next step and start creating the vision
The phrase "paralysis by analysis" is a very apt one in this case, because to think too much about something is clouding your judgement with too many thoughts to really find the truly right option.
Some call this "getting to the heart of the matter"
A way to improve this when working with client's, and getting better results --> faster, is listening with no intent. The idea that by shutting off your conscious mind for a period of time, it will enable your wisdom to come through and find the perfect solution and set of objectives for you and your client.
Put this into practice and you will be well on the way to realising your client's vision, and I don't doubt, some way to realising your own.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Communications #2 - The Reality Building
In my last post I concluded with arriving in the Reality Building – a building which receives the external raw data we experience through our senses and turns it into what we experience as reality. It is a building with five “senses doors” and filtering process desks some of which are labelled ‘Deletion’, ‘Distortion’ and ‘Generalization’.
Once everything we experience has come through these it gathers in the main hall – what we might call the “Hall of Now”. The “Hall of Now” is a wonderful place, a place where – if we so wish – we can stay through our entire waking consciousness. It can be a place where the ‘real’, for each one of us, exists and exists only. Everything about Now is to be found in the “Hall of Now” and nowhere else.
There is a useful thing to remember about Now - it's all that IS. The Past is gone, it was Now once, but is no longer. The Future has not happened yet. When it does happen it will be Now. The only place that is real is Now!
Everything that takes place in the “Hall of Now” is coded up and eventually sent to the “Hall of Memory” in order to make way for the constant stream of new input sensual data coming into the Reality Building. In the “Hall of Memory” it is processed with labels such as experience, knowledge, wisdom, belief, capability etc. It is held in the short term memory room, (a kind of waiting room or clearing house) before eventually being filed away in the various specific memory rooms.
In addition to the “Hall of Now” and the “Hall of Memory” there is the “Hall of the Future”. In the “Hall of the Future” all experience is imaginary, and we can programme this imaginary experience at a vast mixing console with enough choices and settings to last beyond a lifetime. Once we have programmed whatever scenario we want, then we can play it back to ourselves in the “Cinema of Attractions”.
Now these Halls I have just outlined all sound very straightforward, simple and easily recognisable. And when the atmosphere inside the Reality Building is clearer and purer – then that’s what each of the Halls is and does, plus a whole load more besides.
However this is the human mind and here nothing ever seems to work in a straightforward way!
• The “senses doors” can be wider, more open, or narrower or sometimes shut.
• The filtering process desks let some stuff through, and throw the rest out – based upon certain CRITERIA.
• The labelling and processing in the “Hall of Memory” codes and labels experiences based upon certain CRITERIA.
• The atmosphere in the Building is contaminated by dust – which we can consider as being thought. Clarity of thought = less contamination; have a lack of clarity and everything becomes clouded with too much scrambled thought.
In order to function at our best, we need to be aware of these points and recognise that most of these things are within our control.
• WE control a lot of the processes on the “senses doors”
• WE control the CRITERIA
• WE control the level of volume and activity of thought
This is very comforting and useful to know, and once we do know, everything proceeds on a much more ecological and beneficial basis.
Trouble is – our culture, our lifestyle, our upbringing, our education, everything we’ve experienced up until now has been based upon NOT knowing about the nature of the Reality Building. And so – for better or for worse – we have lived our lives at the mercy of events, at the mercy of others, and – more significantly - at the mercy of our beliefs and at the mercy of our behavioural programmes – both of which go to make up our “Maps of the World”.
One of the ‘pillars’ of NLP is the quote “The Map is not the Territory” – and it is a representation we need to understand in terms of improving our communications with both our clients, colleagues and ourselves.
For now, consider the nature of the Reality Building and how it functions, and how much control is actually within our grasp. The next Communications Model blog will look at those controls and criteria, and examine some of the Halls in more detail.
Once everything we experience has come through these it gathers in the main hall – what we might call the “Hall of Now”. The “Hall of Now” is a wonderful place, a place where – if we so wish – we can stay through our entire waking consciousness. It can be a place where the ‘real’, for each one of us, exists and exists only. Everything about Now is to be found in the “Hall of Now” and nowhere else.
There is a useful thing to remember about Now - it's all that IS. The Past is gone, it was Now once, but is no longer. The Future has not happened yet. When it does happen it will be Now. The only place that is real is Now!
Everything that takes place in the “Hall of Now” is coded up and eventually sent to the “Hall of Memory” in order to make way for the constant stream of new input sensual data coming into the Reality Building. In the “Hall of Memory” it is processed with labels such as experience, knowledge, wisdom, belief, capability etc. It is held in the short term memory room, (a kind of waiting room or clearing house) before eventually being filed away in the various specific memory rooms.
In addition to the “Hall of Now” and the “Hall of Memory” there is the “Hall of the Future”. In the “Hall of the Future” all experience is imaginary, and we can programme this imaginary experience at a vast mixing console with enough choices and settings to last beyond a lifetime. Once we have programmed whatever scenario we want, then we can play it back to ourselves in the “Cinema of Attractions”.
Now these Halls I have just outlined all sound very straightforward, simple and easily recognisable. And when the atmosphere inside the Reality Building is clearer and purer – then that’s what each of the Halls is and does, plus a whole load more besides.
However this is the human mind and here nothing ever seems to work in a straightforward way!
• The “senses doors” can be wider, more open, or narrower or sometimes shut.
• The filtering process desks let some stuff through, and throw the rest out – based upon certain CRITERIA.
• The labelling and processing in the “Hall of Memory” codes and labels experiences based upon certain CRITERIA.
• The atmosphere in the Building is contaminated by dust – which we can consider as being thought. Clarity of thought = less contamination; have a lack of clarity and everything becomes clouded with too much scrambled thought.
In order to function at our best, we need to be aware of these points and recognise that most of these things are within our control.
• WE control a lot of the processes on the “senses doors”
• WE control the CRITERIA
• WE control the level of volume and activity of thought
This is very comforting and useful to know, and once we do know, everything proceeds on a much more ecological and beneficial basis.
Trouble is – our culture, our lifestyle, our upbringing, our education, everything we’ve experienced up until now has been based upon NOT knowing about the nature of the Reality Building. And so – for better or for worse – we have lived our lives at the mercy of events, at the mercy of others, and – more significantly - at the mercy of our beliefs and at the mercy of our behavioural programmes – both of which go to make up our “Maps of the World”.
One of the ‘pillars’ of NLP is the quote “The Map is not the Territory” – and it is a representation we need to understand in terms of improving our communications with both our clients, colleagues and ourselves.
For now, consider the nature of the Reality Building and how it functions, and how much control is actually within our grasp. The next Communications Model blog will look at those controls and criteria, and examine some of the Halls in more detail.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
The Mindset of "Work in Progress"
Work in Progress is a very useful mindset to adopt in terms of both training our clients, and also our own training and skills acquisition. We live in a results-oriented world of instant success, instant gratification, and very often these days the judgement of whether something is working is far too premature. The resulting action is usually to scrap it, abandon it, and start something else....in the almost clairvoyant knowledge that a few weeks further down the line we are going to abandon that as well.
These are the enduring reasons why people give up on new year resolutions, diets fail, exercise plans collapse through non-attendance etc.
Its very easy to justify our inadequacies to ourselves by being perennially judgemental and perfectionist - and out of those "failures" comes lower self-esteem, depression, lack of motivation, and a miriad of negative emotions.
So part of our inter-client communication should be the preframed understanding that our clients are on a journey of rediscovering themselves, and that this journey is dynamic and progressive...and that judgements at any stage are not going to inherently benefit this progress.
As an illustration, here is a coaching article I wrote about "Work in Progress" as a mindset:-
Its a simple enough phrase..."Work in Progress"...
And yet I've discovered that when using it with sportspeople (especially the younger ones), that it actually liberates them from any performance shortcomings where (more often than not) they would hang their heads, beat themselves up, and all the other attributes that go with our culture of instant success, instant gratification, instant...you name it!!
So what is the power behind these 3 words?
1. Well, have a look at the presuppositions when the player hears my response to their assessment of how they've played.
PL: "It went X, I did Y, I didn't do Z, I forgot to do M and I made a mistake with N."
PW: "Yes - and lets be realistic now. These parts of your game - it's work in progress."
What is it? It's work > which presupposes they are putting some effort into the activity away from competition. Which means they are motivated and active towards getting to grips with these parts of their game.
What's happening to the work? It's in progress > which presupposes its on the move from A to B and is improving, getting better. This implies positive and purposeful outcomes are already taking place.
2. Liberating emotional possession of competition errors.
What is the work in progress? IT is! (a nice little impersonal IT) > which actually puts a space between (1) the errors and imperfections of the performance and (2) the player themselves, by introducing that neutral and unemotional wedge (3), IT (ie the work being done to improve those particular parts of their game).
3. No impatient time constraints.
There's no start or finish to Work In Progress either - just a plan, programme and record of improvement, accelerated or organic. These are process goals related to levels of competency, for which the acquisition timescale has never been set.
Part of the difference between my approach to young players and say those of the non-coaching fraternity (ie just adult players etc) - is this very point of detaching the emotional effect of errors of performance from the players themselves. When players are bombarded with a continual chorus of "You should do X" and "You mustn't do Y" and (perhaps the funniest of all) "Don't forget to remember to do Z" - heavens, how confusing is that - these remarks are miles away from my "Keep on with the Plan - because this is all Work In Progress."
Try it on yourself, or with the next client you see displaying "perfectionist" symptoms - and notice the effect this mindset brings about.....
These are the enduring reasons why people give up on new year resolutions, diets fail, exercise plans collapse through non-attendance etc.
Its very easy to justify our inadequacies to ourselves by being perennially judgemental and perfectionist - and out of those "failures" comes lower self-esteem, depression, lack of motivation, and a miriad of negative emotions.
So part of our inter-client communication should be the preframed understanding that our clients are on a journey of rediscovering themselves, and that this journey is dynamic and progressive...and that judgements at any stage are not going to inherently benefit this progress.
As an illustration, here is a coaching article I wrote about "Work in Progress" as a mindset:-
Its a simple enough phrase..."Work in Progress"...
And yet I've discovered that when using it with sportspeople (especially the younger ones), that it actually liberates them from any performance shortcomings where (more often than not) they would hang their heads, beat themselves up, and all the other attributes that go with our culture of instant success, instant gratification, instant...you name it!!
So what is the power behind these 3 words?
1. Well, have a look at the presuppositions when the player hears my response to their assessment of how they've played.
PL: "It went X, I did Y, I didn't do Z, I forgot to do M and I made a mistake with N."
PW: "Yes - and lets be realistic now. These parts of your game - it's work in progress."
What is it? It's work > which presupposes they are putting some effort into the activity away from competition. Which means they are motivated and active towards getting to grips with these parts of their game.
What's happening to the work? It's in progress > which presupposes its on the move from A to B and is improving, getting better. This implies positive and purposeful outcomes are already taking place.
2. Liberating emotional possession of competition errors.
What is the work in progress? IT is! (a nice little impersonal IT) > which actually puts a space between (1) the errors and imperfections of the performance and (2) the player themselves, by introducing that neutral and unemotional wedge (3), IT (ie the work being done to improve those particular parts of their game).
3. No impatient time constraints.
There's no start or finish to Work In Progress either - just a plan, programme and record of improvement, accelerated or organic. These are process goals related to levels of competency, for which the acquisition timescale has never been set.
Part of the difference between my approach to young players and say those of the non-coaching fraternity (ie just adult players etc) - is this very point of detaching the emotional effect of errors of performance from the players themselves. When players are bombarded with a continual chorus of "You should do X" and "You mustn't do Y" and (perhaps the funniest of all) "Don't forget to remember to do Z" - heavens, how confusing is that - these remarks are miles away from my "Keep on with the Plan - because this is all Work In Progress."
Try it on yourself, or with the next client you see displaying "perfectionist" symptoms - and notice the effect this mindset brings about.....
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