Effective Communication

People have often asked me “How do you balance your work as a mind therapist, trainer and presenter, performance coach, carer and technical sports coach – given the scattered and diverse nature of the working disciplines and the ages and types of people you’re dealing with?”
My usual answer begins from the standpoint that the working disciplines are not as diverse as they might seem on the face of it.

The common thread is communication - and using the many languages of communication - in order to achieve a state of RAPPORT from whence I can get my client(s) into whatever state is going to be the most effective, for them, in terms of the purpose of our interaction.

The Power of Listening

Now the purpose of our interaction, although pre-ordained, generally involves some time constraint – and it is here where my use of various levels of communication needs to be most effective. If I have only a 30 minute client session or a 45 minute school lesson, then I need to be as clear and precise as I can be to maximise the time available to us. Part of that maximisation comes in understanding how good people are at listening and paying attention. In schools this is particularly important, and I have learnt a lot in recent years from teachers who are ‘at the coal face’ when it comes to maximising the listening and attention of groups they are working with.
Similarly, in terms of 1-to-1 communication, the level of maximisation I can bring to any conversation is dependent upon my ability to read ALL the communication from the other person – part of which involves switching off my own internal dialogue. This means not spending time thinking about what I'm going to say next. I trust that when the time comes I'll know what to say.
Try listening to 2 (or more) people talking to you at once and you’ll get an idea of what it’s like when we are competing with our internal dialogue. It’s all clamour and no focus. We've all said "I can't hear myself think" at some stage haven't we?

The other bonus I get when really listening to clients with nothing on MY mind is the enhanced level of rapport. By really listening to someone I convey to them the priceless gift that, at this moment in time – this NOW – there is nothing more important to me in the world than them and what they are saying; and opens up a trust and a bond between us. It’s a charismatic and hypnotic effect, and is very powerful for us all as communicators.

Dealing with our “Sheep”

There was a series on TV called “One Man and His Dog” which was centred around sheep dog trialling. They would film each episode in different parts of the country, with a local flock of sheep and two dog & handler partnerships in competition through a variety of disciplines. It was often said that regardless of how good the dog and handler were, that the personality of the sheep (both herd and individual) was the key element in determining the outcome of the competition. There are some similar parallels with this and the effectiveness of my sessions, as my “sheep” certainly do all have minds of their own!

So what gives things more of a chance of being effective? It is all about MY flexibility and detachment from my own agendas. If I go into ANY session wanting this or that to happen, then I have an agenda. If I go into any session with a clouded state of mind, or a particularly negative mood, then I have an agenda. My discipline is (a) to not have any personal NEEDS from the session and (b) to be as PERCEPTIVE as possible for the benefit of the “sheep”.

Agendas versus Pre-frames

These personal wants and needs all centre around Outcome(s). If it is important to ME to get “X” out of a session then it is my part of MY agenda. If it’s important for the CLIENT to get “X” out of a session then it’s part of THEIR agenda. Agendas bring a level of judgement to proceedings, and the more specific the agenda the narrower the communications pathway.

Agendas are fine for meetings because they are there to filter-out unnecessary and time-wasteful areas of discussion. Agendas for sessions are not effective because of that self-same filter-out process. Useful things will be missed. The purpose of the session is not for me to showcase my own ideas and voice, after all!

A much more effective way of setting the scene for a session is by using pre-frames. Pre-framing sets up a level of focus for what may be likely to take place. It’s persuasive rather than coercive. It directs the client and leaves their autonomy intact – it does not deny them their own agenda, although it demands their compliance in the softest of ways. It’s a kind of arm-round-the-shoulder “come with me I want to show you something” sort of set-up.

My sessions tend to open up along these lines:
• We’re going to have some pre-framed interaction (either a chat, or a session outline) AND
• We’re going to explore some areas that may be of use to you (the client)

The Power of Presuppositions

Presuppositions I see as being assumptions by inference or implication based upon linguistic content, and they are present in everything we say.
Take a simple phrase such as “I am going to the cinema.”
It assumes there is something called a cinema; that it is a place where people go; that it is somewhere other than here; that the one I’m going to is a particular cinema; that the action I’m taking is about to happen or already happening; and so on.

The pre-suppositions in my session opener mentioned above are that:-
There’ll be some talking and some listening by both of us on topics or matters that have brought you (the client) to this place; that there are areas here that are likely to be of use to you (the client); that some exploration is going to take place by both of us and that the exploration leads to some benefit to you (the client); that the interaction (chat, etc) and the exploration are not mutually exclusive, but are bound together to lead to a beneficial outcome.

Whilst there are other implications here that I may have missed, this simple opening gambit is very effective – whether for someone with (say) weight or stress issues or for a class of 10 year olds who are going to be learning something sports-specific. Pre-suppositions are a very subtle and covert tool, and when built into an effective preamble, can set the scene for some amazing discoveries, understandings, learnings and insights for our clients.

The Many Languages of Communication

Communication is not just about the Verbal and Non-verbal. These are just the major headings, for within each of these categories are a whole range of languages. Each of our five major senses has a unique language of communication beyond words – if you aren’t sure give someone a whiff of smelling salts, get them to suck a lemon, hold a hot water bottle, hear a siren, see a sunset and you’ll get a non-verbal reaction from them.
Plain Verbal interpretations are substitutes for the real thing, and usually very low grade ones as well. Think of the quote “A picture paints a thousand words” and you'll see what I mean. Similarly with the auditory sense, music and rhythm are a vast language, far, far greater than words because they reach deep into both what we hear and feel.

Take a look at this famous scene from "When Harry Met Sally" and look out for how many and varied are the subtleties of verbal, non-verbal and sensual language on view.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0OeM6UUAoI&feature=related

But words, however inadequate at times, are OUR chosen ‘method of transport’ when it comes to conveying information. Birds have another, dogs another, ants another. How we use words is therefore of vital importance in terms of how effective we are as communicators. Somehow, these days, our digital world is turning the already low-octane fuel of verbal communications into something even more diminished. The tide is flowing towards greater verbal interaction through texts and emails – yet on a deeper level we are becoming even more detached from the meaning we are trying to convey in our communications - leading to misunderstandings, mind reads, mis-interpretations etc.

The digital world is a world of machines; however when Joe Public is confronted with ‘analogue’ communicators there is this growing perception that people think they are something of a special breed! Turning the language of sensual experience into words is something we learn to do but there is NO substitute for the REAL language if we ever want to make an impact– which is why we learn and understand more about our relationship with the outer world through experience and not through words.

Conclusion

So what are the keys to becoming better and more effective communicators?
• Practice Powerful Listening to allow clients to experience the gifts that come with being paid total attention.
• Take the fast route to Rapport to quickly open the doors to guidance, influence, persuasion by recognizing the influence of your own moods and abandoning your own agendas.
• Deepen your Sensory Acuity to give you a much broader, deeper, wider and fuller picture of your clients. Go for 3D!
• Learn and understand more about the Languages of the Senses and how you can get points across through many different ways at once.
• Find out about and practice using a wider range of Linguistic Tools so that through habitual use you gain a greater level of Unconscious Competence.

It does take practice and habit. Above all it takes enthusiasm and a desire to get better and better

Approval v Value = The Mindset War

I had a discussion with a PT today, and it sparked a real thought in my head about the 2 conflicting mindsets that exist - not just in the fitness industry, but for every individual in every context, everywhere.

At some point in time, we have all been in the mindset that we need something to solve our problems, e.g. get 10 more clients and I will have enough money and my manager will be off my back, I need a girlfriend to be normal/like my friends, I need £1,000,000 to be happy. There are endless possibilities, you get the idea!

Conversely, at some point in time we have all been free of need and done things because we want to make a difference with something/someone. We give our time to someone who looks like they could use the help, we offer free advice or we do some coaching for a project were really passionate about.

So what's the difference in these mindsets, and how can you choose?


Approval

Commonly associated with phrases like "need", "have to" and "must", the approval mindset is born out of a deep rooted inability to know your own true worth. It is sometimes situational, but always stems from the 'need' to prove yourself/your worth.
If you've ever been in a relationship with someone, you'll know that neediness is the single biggest killer of any connection. It gives rise to frustration, anger and...well...there's a whole lot of negatives here.
At the start of a relationship, or first meeting, it can be spotted easily and is frankly like carbon monoxide - You may not know it's there, but its definitely going to wipe out anything in its path - in this case, your ability to build the relationship further.

Now you all know the commonalities of Approval Seeking, you will know whether you have ever been in that position before. What it looked, sounded and felt like to each of us is different, so its important to notice what you notice if you have one of these 'moments' in the future, and take action.

This mindset is common, because we are encouraged to do it by those around us. Most of Western business is based on the thought of stress, anxiety, tension and emotion being a good thing for us - and going often not falling in line with this thinking is seen as 'abnormal'.
So if you are a person who seeks approval often, and needs things to make all the difference, you're not alone.

Value

The value mindset comes from a different place to most others. When you know the value of who you are and what you do, everything becomes about using your time to give your best skills and attributes to those who will get maximum benefit.

I actually met someone today with this mindset. He is a PT, and we spoke about the lack of need to get lots and lots of clients when he started. He decided that to be the best PT he could be, he had to have his best interests at heart, as well as those of his clients. As a result, he decided that he was going to PT only between 8 and 6 Monday to Friday. He was an excellent PT with a steady business, and had regular clients who came back time after time. He even let go the ones that did not respect the value they were getting, and who often turned up late but with no apology.

When you have something of value, you have no problem in knowing the value of it. You set the parameters for those who are interested in taking that value, and the price. This is the building block for how you charge what you are really worth, and how you set the hours you want to work in. It is how some people make 2-3 times what others are making, with the same information, experience and skill. This is a skill that can be worked on, it is not something 'you just have', but something you can acquire.


How can I choose?

I had a PT come to me the other day with a problem. "I have no problem showcasing my PT, but when it comes to getting people to sign on the dotted line for my sessions, I don't know what to do".

I pointed out that she was looking at this from a 100% approval mindset - I dont like to ask for money because they might feel like im trying to sell them something!

Fact - people are interested in PT because, in the most part, they already see the value in doing it as oppose to doing their training alone.

All you have to do is reinforce the value that your client's are going to get from you. Then, the money is not an issue, because your charging for your time. There is no 'sale' as such. They are agreeing to work with you. Your time is valuable and in demand, so they are paying for the privilege. In return they will get you and your expertise.

You can always choose your mindset, and the more you choose value, the less choice you will have to make and the greater understanding you will have of your own worth.

Try the bold paragraph out as an affirmation - say it out loud or in your head as if you're speaking to yourself. Say it more than once if this is more effective. Do this before your next interaction and report back on the results